As summer comes to a close, students, parents, and teachers are gearing up for back to school season. The start of the new school year brings many feelings: excitement, nerves, joy, hope, fear. For some, the new school year brings a return to their familiar routine, reunions with supportive friends, and eagerness to learn new things. But for others, the start of school is fraught.
When I was in high school and still closeted, I often heard students make homophobic comments or use the insinuation that someone was gay to humiliate them. Hearing those words every day on the bus or in the halls of the school made me feel small, made me want to hide. So I shut down: I spoke less in class. I wasn’t outgoing. When I finally came out, people remarked that they barely recognized the person I had become: smiling, joyful, talkative. I wasn’t the only one. By the time I was a senior, when it was known throughout the school that I was gay, other students came out to me frequently. I was often the first – and only – person they had found the courage to tell.
When LGBTQ+ students step foot in their Yeshiva Day Schools, they ask themselves: will I be accepted if I come out? Will teachers make derogatory comments about queer people? Will other students use anti-LGBTQ slurs, and if they do, will there be consequences? Will I face disciplinary action for choosing to express myself? In other words, do I really belong here?
As a former day school educator and teacher of Limudei Kodesh, I was tasked with teaching my students text and skills, with giving them access to the world of Torah. Beyond teaching them how to learn, I had a much bigger goal: instilling a love of learning, and a love of Yiddishkeit.
Our Jewish day schools are meant to inspire students, to nourish their neshamas, in addition to educating them. But when these spaces become places of negativity, of anxiety, or of harm, it doesn’t just harm that child’s psyche. It endangers their entire relationship with Judaism.
When I was a student, what gave me the courage to come out was the support of several incredible teachers. From my experiences as a student, and as a former teacher, I know that educators and principals are working hard to serve the needs of their students. There are many school staff out there who are doing everything they can to support LGBTQ+ students, and many who want to do more but need help figuring out how.
This is why Eshel began the Welcoming Schools Project. My first involvement with Eshel involved our day school work, because I knew the value and power of a Torah education. Eshel has been helping day schools for nearly a decade so that they can support their LGBTQ+ students. We know from working with thousands of LGBTQ alumni the best practices for helping LGBTQ+ students thrive:
- Allowing students to be honest about their identity, to come out without fear of consequences
- Ensuring that bullying of any kind is not tolerated
- Referring students to supportive mental health professionals when needed, and avoiding “reparative therapy”
- Providing opportunities for students to participate equally in school activities
We have worked with day schools across the country to implement these practices. We have educated schools and community members on how they can meet the needs of their LGBTQ+ students within an Orthodox framework. We have shared resources like our Welcoming Schools Project and Rabbi Ephraim Mirvis’ “Guide for the Wellbeing of LGBT+ Pupils” across the US. We have created the Make Space for Difference Project to support educators across the religious spectrum in articulating the religious imperative for respect and inclusion.
Most importantly, we know that no two schools are alike. Every school is situated in a different community with its own norms, culture, members, and stakeholders. Making cultural change is incredibly challenging, and takes a long time to take root.
We provide individual consultations to educators, administrators, parents, and guidance counselors to address the specific needs of their situation and the school’s hashkafa. We have worked with families and schools across the spectrum of Orthodoxy. Sometimes we work with school leadership on broad policymaking. Sometimes we counsel an individual teacher on how to support a single student. Sometimes we support parents in advocating for their own child or finding the right school. In all of our work with schools, we tailor our approach and maintain the highest levels of confidentiality. And in all our work, we meet individuals where they are, honoring the hard work that goes into creating change, even if it is incremental.
No student should have to choose between feeling accepted at school and being honest about their identity. Day schools have the power to be places of deep learning, inspiration, and transformation – places where LGBTQ+ students don’t just survive, they belong. Eshel is here to help schools get there, one conversation at a time.
As the new school year begins, our work continues.
Sara Singer
Director of Marketing and Communications
Ready to start the conversation? Email sunnie@eshelonline.org