When you ask a potential wedding vendor, “Do you know what a tisch is?” the question underneath is usually much bigger than vocabulary.
What you are likely really asking is: Will I have to explain my wedding from scratch? Will you be thrown off by the flow of the day? Can I trust you to walk into a Jewish space with enough background to actually notice the moments that matter?
For queer Orthodox couples, honoring your tradition while enthusiastically celebrating who you are is already enough to think about on your wedding day. The last thing you should have to do is teach your vendors “Jewish Wedding 101” before you can even begin talking specifics about your vision.
As a Jewish wedding photographer, and as a straight ally who considers it a profound privilege to uplift and celebrate queer couples, my goal is to show up prepared so that you don’t have to do the heavy lifting of explaining your traditions. Great wedding photography is entirely about anticipation: a photographer can best capture a meaningful moment if they know it’s about to happen.
To help ensure your vendor team is fully equipped to anticipate the moments that matter, here are four questions to ask a photographer before signing a contract.
1. “Are you familiar with the flow of an Orthodox wedding, and if not, how would you prepare to photograph one?”
You want someone who either already knows the rhythm of the day or is eager to learn the logistics.
A photographer fluent in this space knows the importance of the moment when a pen is held up in the air at the tisch. They know to position themselves low and center in preparation for the moment the glass breaks because there is no countdown. They know which specific shift in the band’s melody means shtick is about to start, and they know where to stand to catch it just right. You want a photographer who will anticipate these moments so that they’re primed and ready for the most important day of your life.
2. “How do you approach photographing adapted rituals?”
There is no single template for a queer Orthodox wedding. Behind the lens, I get to witness the incredible creativity that comes from couples’ adaptations. I’ve worked with two brides who explored various bedeken options, like placing a flower in each other’s hair, before ultimately choosing to veil one another. Similarly, I’ve photographed two grooms who ceremoniously helped each other into their tux jackets during this moment.
Your photographer needs to ask about your specific choreography so they aren’t caught off guard when the beautiful, non-traditional moments happen.
3. “What logistical questions do you usually ask couples before their wedding day?”
This is a great test to see if a vendor relies on standard assumptions. You deserve vendors who ask useful and informed questions. A prepared photographer will proactively ask:
- Will there be separate dancing, mixed dancing, or a combination?
- If there will be a mechitza, where can I respectfully position myself and my camera?
- How is the processional structured, and who is walking when?
- If there will be circling under the chuppah, who is circling whom?
- Are there specific family sensitivities or dynamics regarding portraits and touch?
Additionally, if their intake forms mandate “bride” and “groom” placeholders or assume someone is changing their last name, that is a sign they haven’t tailored their approach to thoughtfully welcome queer couples.
4. “What is your policy on privacy and social media?”
For some queer Orthodox couples, opting for privacy is a thoughtful boundary to protect their peace. You might be guarding against online negativity, or you may be navigating complex family dynamics.
Whether you want to shout your joy from the digital rooftops or keep your photos intimate, you shouldn’t have to justify your choice. A supportive vendor will respect your boundaries unconditionally and will gladly adjust their portfolio usage to ensure your comfort and peace of mind.
Building a Better Network
Finding vendors who are both fiercely affirming and fluent in frum logistics can be tricky. I have queer friends who have agonized over how upfront to be with potential vendors before signing a contract: wanting to be authentic, but fearing being ghosted, dismissed, or quietly turned away.
No couple should have to treat “Will this vendor be okay with us?” as another exhausting task on their wedding checklist.
That need is exactly why I am helping to build and maintain a crowdsourced vendor directory for the queer community. The goal is to create a master list of vendors—from bands who know how to carry Jewish dancing, to planners who understand an Orthodox timeline—who will joyfully work with queer Orthodox couples and treat your traditions with respect. (Anyone can submit vendors to be added to this growing resource).
If you find a photographer whose work you absolutely love, but who hasn’t shot a traditional Orthodox timeline before, you can also send them my comprehensive guide to photographing Jewish weddings, which breaks down everything from the yichud march to simcha dancing.
At its core, my job is to honor the environment you’ve so carefully built. I’m here to listen to what matters to you, protect that space, and create photographs that mirror the love surrounding you.
-Eliana Melmed, owner of Eliana Melmed Photography, specializing in capturing the joy, nuance, and tradition of Jewish weddings.