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Allies:

Getting Started

How to Be an Ally

Allies play a vital role in making Orthodox communities and institutions more LGBTQ+ inclusive or supportive, and supporting LGBTQ+ friends and relatives.

There are many ways to be an ally. Allyship does not have to take the form of public advocacy. It can be as simple as providing emotional support to a queer friend, standing up for a sibling in a private setting, or can include meeting with a rabbi or community leader to express your support for LGBTQ+ inclusion and belonging.

It’s likely that in many environments, there is at least one LGBTQ+ person, or someone with an LGBTQ+ family member, present. It’s important to show sensitivity by:

  • Being mindful of language 
  • Using inclusive terms which help everyone feel welcome
  • Avoiding any derogatory terms or stereotypes

You play a vital role in shaping the culture and norms of your community. Your commitment to inclusivity helps model values of acceptance and compassion. The way you communicate what is and is not acceptable can greatly influence how comfortable individuals feel, in a space where they may feel alone.

Reach out to Eshel to explore what steps you can take within your community. We have over a decade of experience promoting allyship in all kinds of Orthodox communities and institutions.

The Importance of Being an Ally

Allies can make a difference through their own language and behavior in their homes, at their institutions, and in their communities. Allies are highly effective public and private advocates for LGBTQ+ inclusion. When allies speak up, they demonstrate that LGBTQ+ belonging matters to the broader community.

Torah Judaism values every individual and emphasizes the importance of caring for one another.

The Torah mandates that we must not embarrass others, use names they don’t prefer, or threaten anyone’s safety.

As an ally, contributing to an environment that values and affirms the worth of each individual will encourage inclusion and signal to LGBTQ+ individuals that they, too, have a place in the Jewish community.

When Someone Comes Out

When someone comes out to you, they’re showing trust and vulnerability, so it’s important to acknowledge their courage by thanking them for sharing with you and trusting you. Know that you don’t have to have all the right answers or say the right thing in the moment – you can always follow up with them.

You might want to:
  • Maintain a calm and neutral demeanor. It is ok to have your own emotions, but the focus should be on them and their experience of telling you.
  • Reassure them that this doesn’t change your relationship and that you’re there to support them.
  • Ask how you can be supportive and respectful in this moment.
  • Ask if they’d like you to keep this information private.
  • Ask if they would like help finding additional resources, like those on Eshel’s resources page.
You can also:
  • Share that this might be new for you, and you might need some time to reflect.
  • Ask thoughtful, non-intrusive questions about their journey.
However, it’s best to avoid:
  • Questioning their certainty or honesty about their identity.
  • Implying they’ve hidden their identity until now.
  • Expressing surprise or making assumptions.
  • Commenting negatively or bringing up stereotypes related to their identity.
  • Discussing halachic concerns, unless the individual expresses a desire to do so. It’s best to follow the individual’s lead and focus on the needs or issues that they have expressed.

When You Hear Derogatory Comments

As an ally, you may want to step in if you hear a homophobic comment. In the spirit of judging our friends and neighbors favorably, the most important thing to do is to name what happened in a way that does not hurt the commenter or accuse them of being homophobic.

Say something like, “I just want to pause for a second – you may not be aware but that phrase/word/assumption is considered offensive towards the LGBTQ+ community and I know you want to make sure not to alienate or hurt anyone.” You do not have to engage further or entertain any pushback if you do not feel comfortable, you can just say “I just wanted to let you know.”

Actions You Can Take

You can proactively show that you support LGBTQ+ belonging.

Create a habit of using inclusive language. This helps affirm that LGBTQ+ individuals are welcome in your space. Consistency in your approach fosters a sense of safety that goes beyond single comments or gestures.

You can build on this by asking questions about queer inclusion in your home and within your institutions and by displaying physical items like stickers and books that are explicitly LGBTQ+

Examples of Queer Inclusive Language :
  • If it makes sense for you in your context, add pronouns to your email signature or Zoom name 
  • Use gender-neutral terms like “spouse” or “partner” when discussing relationships
    • (for example, “is your son dating anyone?” instead of “does your son have a girlfriend?” or “You’re married? What’s your partner’s name?”)
  • Gently correct others who use the wrong pronouns or identifiers for someone 
    • (for example, “actually, she’s a woman. But I think she was saying…” or “no, she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Her girlfriend is a doctor.”)
  • Talk openly and positively about LGBTQ topics and people in your community who are already out to promote an open and welcoming environment.
Consider displaying items that signify support, such as LGBTQ+ supportive stickers or books.

Examples of Pro LGBTQ+ Signage:

Make Space for Difference Sticker
Eshel’s “Another Orthodox Ally” Sticker
Any pride or rainbow swag
Books by queer people/about queer families

Learn More About the Make Space for Difference Project

What inclusion looks like is different in every environment.

Eshel is committed to working with you to find creative and impactful ways to care for your LGBTQ+ friends and neighbors. Reach out to figure out what works for you.

Eshel is here for you.

  1. Visit Eshel’s resource library to find a glossary of LGBTQ+ terms, information about mental health in the LGBTQ+ community, source sheets, and more. 
  2. Learn more about Eshel’s Orthodox Allies Project that brings ally workshops to your community.

If you have more questions or want to bring an Orthodox Allies Workshop to your community, reach out to allies@eshelonline.org.