I was ten years old when I was finally able to put a name to the feeling I had known my whole life – that I was attracted to women. I came out to my family at a young age and was accepted by them wholeheartedly. Growing up in a supportive and open Conservative shul, I never worried about how my sexuality interacted with my Judaism. While I didn’t always feel accepted by other students at school, those closest to me embraced me as I was: a gay Jew.
It wasn’t until I was older that I realized that other LGBTQ+ Jews didn’t experience the same welcome that I was afforded. After my bat mitzvah and the death of my grandfather who survived the Holocaust, I drifted away from Judaism. At that time, my attention was focused on the struggles of growing up queer in a small town. In my mid-twenties, after experiencing a personal tragedy, I finally returned to shul for the first time in over a decade. I spent the next several years learning all that I wish I had growing up in a secular household. For the first time I found myself in community with other LGBTQ+ Jews–and I began to hear that so many of their stories could not be farther from my own.
While my Reform and Conservative friends had similar experiences to my own, my Orthodox friends struggled growing up and in their current lives as observant LGBTQ+ Jews. A part of me yearned for a deeper connection with a frum community but hearing their stories, I was worried that after a lifetime of being out and proud I would have to go back into the closet if I wanted a more observant life.
Several years ago on a whim, I attended High Holiday services at a Modern Orthodox shul that is a part of Eshel’s Welcoming Shuls Project. It was the best davening I had ever been part of, and the feeling of community was overwhelming. For the first time I could see myself belonging to a community that I had always believed was either off limits to me or that I would need to force myself back into the closet to join.
Eshel is opening doors for those who, like me, believed that they could not reconcile Orthodox Jewish life with being an out and proud member of the LGBTQ+ community. The fear of rejection or denial of our lived experiences scares so many away from Orthodoxy, but Eshel has made it their mission to change that. LGBTQ+ Jews belong in the denomination of their choice, and Eshel is here to help make that a reality in Orthodox spaces.
I am proud to be joining an organization which I admire both personally and professionally. As Operations Associate, I will be working within the organization to keep us moving in a positive direction by supporting the day-to-day inner workings of Eshel. I look forward to helping support the important work of the organization and the people it serves.
Portia Ymer Sobel
Operations Associate