Two of our three kids came out as LGBTQ a few years ago, one after the other, three months apart. As a pretty open-minded and still very frum couple, my husband and I took the first one in stride, got the support we needed, and since our son was then closeted, moved on with our lives. When our second, older child came out a few months later, we both knew that, as loving and as accepting as we were, we needed more help. Our family had changed, and the dynamic was shifting as well. We had questions and concerns about how to continue being part of a strong religious community while keeping our family together as a loving unit.
We spoke to rabbis and community leaders, went for counseling, and tried several support groups. One person we spoke with told us about Eshel and mentioned that there was going to be a meeting in someone’s home not too far from ours. My husband David and I went, somewhat apprehensive (ok, more apprehensive than I’d like to admit), not knowing what to expect. What we found was a group of similar people, most of whom were parents who, like us, had one or more children who had come out as LGBTQ. We sat around a table together eating (not me, I had this major pit in my stomach) and sharing our stories. When we left, we felt better, a little lighter, and hopeful that we could figure out how to navigate the future more easily.
There’s a line from one of my favorite old movies, Field of Dreams. “If you build it, [they] will come.” Those words stick with me as a kind of mantra, alongside the teaching from Pirkei Avot, לא עליך המלאכה לגמור ולא אתה בן חורין להיבטל ממנה. What does it mean for me to support my LGBTQ child? How can I affect change? How can I make it easier for parents to support their children? And so, David and I jumped right in and got involved.
After hosting a parent support group meeting that over 25 participants attended, we knew we had found community, and that has changed our lives so dramatically. We went from blindly walking in the dark to knowing that we could experience our new reality with support, with love, and that we wouldn’t be alone. Since then, we have hosted many parent support group meetings, learned to facilitate, and, together with our wonderful co-facilitators, planned a well attended and deeply meaningful Shabbaton. We continue to build a community of religious people whose goal is to experience together the complexities, challenges, and beauty of parenting LGBTQ children.
Since our group began, we have grown in number and added special programs, a series of sessions for parents of transgender children, a session for parents with more than one LGBTQ child, and we have plans for more next year. Our group is so special and so helpful because our focus is on building together, on our growth, both as individuals and as a group. As we build, they are coming. Our group keeps growing, our programs keep expanding, and we are so grateful to Eshel for all of this. Your vision, your support, your commitment holds us all. Although the work is not complete and there is still so much to do, we now have a wonderful community, and it means so much and keeps us strong.
By guest author Miriam Schwartz